It's just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. This means that they are obsessively thinking about the abuse that they experienced and it can actually interfere with their normal mental functioning. Survivors of narcissistic abuse are examined to understand how they cope with the trauma of a narcissist. 2. Narcissists, according to research, frequently miss someone because they are dissatisfied with themselves. It is a diagnosable personality disorder plagued by an inflated sense of self and a deep need for attention. The narcissist will even "nuke" you if he has to: meaning, he will try to destroy your reputation, social life, career, and relationships with other people. You cant stop thinking about your ex because youre constantly thinking about what you could have done differently. Here's the difference: Sexual narcissism isn't a personality . I think part of the reason is that I was so invested in the narc that I thought wed be figuring out shit like this togetherforever. Even if you were dumped or initiated the breakup, that doesnt make the difference. Here are the top 30 signs a narcissist is done with you: 1. Carnaric personality disorder is linked to a variety of illnesses, including substance abuse, depression, and suicide. We are constantly in flight, fight, freeze, or hibernation when our partner conducts toxic behaviors toward us. Love bombing is a very strategic manipulative tactic because it mimics the victims idea of a perfect relationship. Maybe you dont feel the same about your ex anymore, but the moment you keep their things, youll think about them. Either one would help you to stop having intrusive thoughts. #1 See the narcissist clearly. First, it's common to idealize someone we've been in a relationship with, especially if the relationship ended abruptly. Waking up and not having them in your life, triggers the void that you feel inside. That means that you havent overcome your feelings yet, youre having a deja vu, or a bad experience is holding you back. You were emotionally attached & attracted Once you're emotionally connected with your partner, they become part of your life. Their relationships are usually very shallow no matter how much they profess to love you. In reality, I was begging him to be supportive and he was falling short every time. So I played along, Oh okay, call me when youre done.. I went off on a deep tangent here. When you ignore a Ghost, he usually goes away again. Unless you do it, youll continue having these thoughts constantly. An alternative answer can be because youre bored. Everything is about him. These thoughts tend to be sad or dark, or replaying your abuse over and over in your head. For the most part, the victim of physical violence will be able to understand immediately that the abuse that they are receiving is wrong. Learning to be happy alone vs being lonely can help you so much with your confidence and realizing your self-worth. Once he has you, he is very likely to lose interest in you and exit the relationship as he did before. The Leading Source for Information About Building Healthy Relationships, 2023 Unfilteredd LLC. Even after a hundred years, youll be able to think about your ex. The best thing to do is ignore him and eventually something or someone else will get his attention and distract him from you. But it happens more than I would like. Some people honestly believe that their emotions are impossible to change and controlso they just accept their rampaging impulses. Everyone is going to have a different approach when trying to escape the limitations. Having a narcissistic boyfriend means a roller-coaster ride of emotions, torrents of abuse, non-stop competition, a lot of confusion, lies, lies and more lies, fear of losing the relationship, much churning of ideas in your head and often a sense that you are going crazy. Dont worry. Interviewing Unfilteredds 67 participants who have survived narcissistic relationships, Dont You Know Who I Am?: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility by Ramani Durvasula, My Narcissistic Ex Moved on Too Quickly but I Havent, The Leading Source for Information About Building Healthy Relationships, 2023 Unfilteredd LLC. Dreams can often be difficult to interpret, and it can be particularly troubling when a dream involves a beloved family member. He/She gets jealous if you talk to a new person: The narcissistic injury lasts almost forever. During the night the brain functions differently: It selects memories that you should keep and which not. Is he talking to her? This situation leads you to have obsessive thoughts. You want what you dont have or cant have again. It just takes a little bit of work and focus on your part. Sarin, Sabina, and Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. During the relationship, your cortisol levels were likely on overdrive and your immune system probably took a severe hit. Feelings cant fade in a blink of an eye. 3. Even the littlest things will remind you about your ex. In this case, the pain and fear intrigue you to think about your ex every day or even suddenly. As a result, we make impulsive decisions due to our impaired judgment. A therapist can help you understand why youre thinking about your ex and how to move on from the relationship. Thinking about the narc when you are already vulnerable is a recipe for disaster. Among 67 people weve worked with who have experienced narcissistic relationships, we examined the findings of our study. This means that he may leave nasty drunken phone messages in which he says. If an ex moves on, it would feel like nothing was real, neither the love nor the relationship. They are ruminating about what they could have done better in the relationship or ruminating over the fear of losing the narcissist to another person. This is a huge problem because it teaches the child to construct their sense of self out of the validation, admiration, and reassurance that they get from their external environment. In essence, the Narc pretended to be a short cut to our souls healing. You can always go back to the love bombing stage. If you want to know if you should prepare for a fight to the death or the sudden arrival of a bouquet of roses, below is some information that may help. He may spend a great deal of energy on finding ways to publicly portray himself as highly desirable, while portraying you as worthless garbage. I could be in the shower, cooking dinner, out in public, or wherever and I would just have this 1000 mile stare while I was ruminating about what I wish I had said Reese. As he is likely to enjoy open confrontations more than you do, if you say or do anything back in response to his provocations, he is likely to escalate the conflict even more. If a narcissist takes any interest in you then it is to hurt you later. He starts listing every single thing that his abuser had done to him and triumphantly storms out of the store. In the same way a deer hunter does not care which deers head he gets to mount on the wall, as long as he enjoys the chase and outwits the deer; your guy sees you as a trophy that he can bag by regaining your attention again. But the point was your mind is so infiltrated that even when you have more critical things to think of you still think of the narc. I said: I thought you wanted to talk all about it when you called me back. To do this, narcissists will spread lies about the victim to discredit them before they have the chance to tell others about the abuse theyve had to endure. Why do I keep thinking about my narcissistic ex is a very normal question to have after surviving a narcissistic relationship because how confusing and hurtful a narcissist can be. everything is going to be okay. You can restore and rebuild your hippocampus as well as prevent its hijacking by the amygdala by performing some psychological reparative activities. Apply your new knowledge to your own past experience. For some people, once the pain and frustration of a breakup is over, they realize they still have a great deal of platonic affection. Does a Dog's Head Shape Predict How Smart It Is? Learn to name the narcissist tactics and behaviors. He is likely to tell you that he misses you terribly. ~ Youre still in pain and devastated that this relationship ended. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. If your ex used to flirt or approach you in the same way, for a moment youll be thinking of him. This is because they usually accept the fact that the relationship has come to an end even before they leave. Thats quite normal to feel being out of a relationship. It's easy to confuse sexual narcissism with narcissistic sexual behaviors. His pictures are as fake as he is. The answer, from the mouth of a narcissist/sociopath: Real sociopaths (narcissists), like myself, are happy being a sociopath (narcissist). You still have mixed feelings, in reality, you dont know what youre feeling. Until youre ready to accept this fact and let your ex go, youll constantly think about your ex. It occurs when a narcissist takes aspects of their identity that they find unacceptable and projects or places them onto other people. But the narc loves you sooo good you actually begin to heal and let go of that pain of the past. 1. Staying friends with your ex is a highly personal decision. At this point, its hard for you to accept reality. Call someone and talk to them about whats going on. Read as much as you can. Narcissistic relationships are incredibly chaotic which makes it very difficult for the victims of the abuse to make sense of what happened as they learn more and more about narcissism. And its probably what hurts most all of all. Experiencing narcissistic abuse destroys the victims sense of self. Punchline: If you want to try to predict a narcissists behavior after you ignore his attempts to reconnect, you need to ask yourself which of the above categories best characterizes him. You share the same house, same bed, your thoughts, food, emotions, and love. WHAT DO YOU NEED BABY? Should he insult you, or jab at your self-esteem, do NOT engage. In the beginning stages of a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist gives their victim the information and shows them the behavior that the victim needs to develop a belief that they are in a happy, healthy, and secure relationship with the narcissist. Thats why moving or accepting the end of the relationship is hard. This type of confusion will trigger thoughts of your ex and prevent you from moving on. To escape the limitations that a narcissist has placed on you, you should work really hard to rediscover what you want in life, put yourself in situations where you are forced to push your boundaries in a healthy way that allows you to redefine your limitations, and learn how to be truly happy with who you are as a person. Youll watch your ex grow from far away and think thats not fair towards you. But I didnt believe him. If you played hard to get in the beginning of your past relationship, this made him want you more. Their abusers condescending voice is still whispering into their ear and limiting the things that they can do. This was some new shit. If you immediately considered this new relationship as a happy one then you immediately made a comparison. You cant forget what happened, but your mind keeps trying to figure out what else needs to be done. Sometimes the pain of missing your ex might interfere with your life on many levels. In this case, dreaming of your brother dying could be a reflection of the complex feelings you have surrounding him. Yet, still taking credit for it. You keep thinking about your ex or even miss them because you would like to experience this with them. It could represent a fear of losing your brother or of not having him in your life. If we are physically ill or experience headaches, sinus infections, or body aches, our health may be jeopardized. She is a former United States Army soldier who was convicted by court-martial in July 2013 of violations of the Espionage Act and other offenses, after disclosing to WikiLeaks nearly 750,000 classified, or unclassified but sensitive, military and diplomatic documents. It didnt turn that way and youre still clung to that. 2. You look and feel ten times younger. I have a deep understanding of masculine and feminine psychology, the biological influences that shape our relationships today, and the ways people communicate their romantic feelings and intentions. And you know how I know he was aware??? Another key component for abuse cycles that dont include a love bombing phase is a low self esteem. Having flashbacks and slight thoughts related to your ex isnt wrong. and still, I think about the narcissist. The narcissistic supply in their supply is running low, which causes them to miss their exs. The short answer is YES! While this is an exciting time with you moving in a positive direction, there's a harsh adjustment period right after a breakup with a narcissist. After all, they sound like exactly the same thing. Unless you have been married to a narcissist, it is very hard to explain what it is like. The moment you find yourself in almost the same situations, youll feel the same vibe. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Stupid! It makes. All of the content that Unfilteredd creates is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for clinical care please visit here for qualified organizations and here for qualified professionals that you can reach out to for help. Oftentimes the victim already has a low self-esteem going into the relationship, which makes them extremely vulnerable to narcissism. Theres a really good passage that victims of narcissistic abuse should be familiar with from a book named The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy where the boy is leading his horse through the woods and says, I cant see my way through. The horse replies, Can you see to take the next step? The boy says, Yes and the horse says, Just take that.. One person might shrug this off, while another feels mortally offended that you are rejecting his overtures. You share the same house, same bed, your thoughts, food, emotions, and love. You need to learn self love again. If these memories impact you a lot and your brain keeps them, youll wake up thinking about your ex. During the love-bombing phase the narc voluntarily and so eagerly validates our life in a way we've never felt before. To protect their emotional stability they will just suppress all of their negative emotions beneath the sense of self that they construct from the validation, admiration, and reassurance that they get from their external environment. The change in information and behavior forces victims of narcissistic abuse to choose between continuing to believe that theyre in happy, healthy, secure relationship with someone they believe is perfect and fills a void in their life or let go of the wish for things to be different by acknowledging and accepting that the person they put their trust in is actually a manipulative abuser. Then they start reiterating the lies that his ex has told them about the relationship to make her look like the victim and not the perpetrator. You think about your ex so much because youre exposed to their presence in a form. Theorists, self-help gurus, therapists, and coaches have even tried to help people understand why we do this. As people are generally interchangeable to narcissists and are valued mainly for the functions that they provide and not for themselves, your Ghost will likely go on and contact someone else on his list. Chances are if your ex recently broke up with you, it's quite normal to be still thinking about them. 1. It must be nostalgia, youre reliving almost the same things, or youre afraid to fall in love again. Youll go from thinking about your ex to thinking about yourself and life. If you think back to how your ex behaved during the relationship, you are likely to be able to recognize him as belong to one of the following three groups. A simple example of this would be a narcissist feeling really insecure about their weight but instead of acknowledging that theyre overweight, they ridicule, mock, and punish their victim for being overweight even if they are in good shape. Why Do Narcissists Hide Their Emotional Instability? When you grieve, you can still feel and think about your ex, but your thoughts wont be obsessive. According to research in the neuroscience of narcissistic abuse recovery, there is some exciting evidence that by physically repairing your brain, you can reverse the damage done by narcissistic abuse. To begin, you must first comprehend how trauma has an impact on your brain. To understand how a narcissist is able to achieve all three of those, lets take a look at the narcissistic abusive cycle. You still havent detached completely from the idea of what could have been. When a survivor of narcissistic abuse ruminates about aspects of the relationship, it becomes their reality because they are constantly thinking about it. If you cant stop thinking about your narcissistic ex, its important to talk to someone about it. Your ex was a daily habit of yours. It can also occur when the survivor of a narcissistic abuse cycle is obsessed with specific interactions that theyve had or may have in the future with the narcissist. Rumination can also formulate a disdain for oneself. They explain that it has to do with trauma bonding, or with a codependent relationship addiction. There are many different manipulative phases that lead a victim of narcissistic abuse into a state of cognitive dissonance that we spoke about in our article Can a Trauma Bond Become Healthy but were going to summarize them here. childhood experiences can indicate the style of attachment, During the night the brain functions differently, Should I call my ex? You might have not gone through the process of grieving properly. When does thinking about your ex become obsessive? Aside from the hardships they will face throughout the healing process, there is one more manipulative trick that the narcissist has up their sleeve that will most likely leave the survivor wondering, Why do I keep thinking about my narcissistic ex? With that being said, whether or not this trick works is completely up to the survivor. Second, you may be thinking about your narcissistic ex because youre still trying to figure out what went wrong. Maintaining power is their primary objectiv READ FULL ARTICLE Up Next The fact that they are immature and want to be vengeful indicates that they are incapable of accepting the decision to end things. If it were sustainable. This means that he may leave nasty drunken phone messages in which he says everything that he can think of that may hurt you. You will keep having sudden thoughts about your ex that would last for days. You may be wondering if you could have done something differently to save the relationship. Narcissists do not miss their exes because they are lonely. Why Do Narcissists Hide Their Emotional Instability? Him: Well shit, theres really nothing to say. Unless you are ready to press the nuclear button and go for all-out war and have lots of weapons to use against him, you may want to sit this one out and wait till he loses interest in you again. Everyone has a style that does not really change all that much. He may even say that he regrets how the two of you broke up and ask for a second chance to prove to you that he loves you and has learned from his mistakes. Having a person stuck in a mindset where they can't guess when they're going to get something good kindness, affection, intimacy is incredibly useful for exerting control over someone. You love the new one but yet you have a lot of memories and want to play with the old one. Nothing was what it seemed.. 2. Its been months since your break-up, but you cant stop thinking about your narcissistic ex. 7) Risky and unhealthy sexual behaviors. On the other hand, you might have never had closure from your ex. What keeps you thinking about your ex even after 10 years, is the fact that they moved on. Theres nothing to worry about. Or, he may simply post pictures of beautiful scantily clothed women that he found on the internet in the hope that you will think he is dating them. narcissists do not miss or love their exes but they will try hard to convince you that they do. PostedDecember 31, 2018 8. Long-term relationships leave a mark on your life. In order to heal completely, you may have to make a complete break. Thinking about your ex becomes obsessive the moment that impacts you negatively and it doesnt stop. Your email address will not be published. Different narcissists react differently. Written by Elijah Akin, Co-founder of Unfilteredd. Once you get comfortable with setting achievable goals on a daily basis, youre going to begin to stop thinking about your narcissistic ex. The combination of extended periods of abuse and misplaced blame enables the narcissist to manipulate the victim into believing that they are to blame for the abusive relationship, even after the relationship has ended. You might not feel the same about your ex and they might not come back, but you still keep doing it. You can still love and miss an ex even after 10 years but the intensity of feelings can change. Its normal to think or miss your ex at some point in your life. A person with NPD will never be able to truly miss someone. It takes immense courage to admit that abuse is happening to them. One day, you get it together to leave. What you need to do to get to where you want to be in life is focus on setting achievable goals on a daily basis. If you are flattered and nave about narcissists, you may think that all of this is about how much he still cares for you. Symptoms of NPD are: a sense of grandiosity and self-importance persistent fantasies of success, perfection, or power a strong. ~ You have an unresolved issue in this past relationship. If you havent been able to forgive your ex yet, youll feel hatred, anger, a little bit of love, and uncertainty. Here's whythe reality is that narcissists suffer from mental health issues. This type of attachment is an indicator for making you think about your ex. Family members and children are often seen as more vulnerable, easier to manipulate, and control. This is the guy who is a hunter at heart. The moment this pattern is disrupted, it takes time to get used to it. Unlike Mean Guys, Ghosts tend to dislike confrontation. Eventually, my sadness would erupt because I felt unsupported, he would then say HOW DARE YOU TURN ON ME WHEN IM THE ONE THATS BEEN HERE? NPD is characterized by an individual having an inflated sense of self-importance, lack of empathy for others, and a deep need for excessive attention and/or admiration. What makes you think about your ex in the middle of the night and in the morning is unfinished things. This habit can be dangerous to your mental, physical and spiritual health because it prolongs and can intensify the struggles most of us have during recovery. He may start liking your Instagram posts, send you cute texts, or suddenly remember that your birthday is coming up and suggest that the two of you celebrate with a drink in your favorite date place. Rumination isnt limited to one blaming or being disappointed with themselves for narcissistic abuse. Your email address will not be published. The moment the victim accepts the narcissists narrative, is precisely when the victim will begin to ruminate. Now, experiencing this feeling of happiness, you trigger the feeling of sorrow and loss. The problem is that these children have had very poor cognitive development so theyre incapable of regulating all of the negative emotions that they have about themselves. Watch on. Waking up thinking about your ex means that youre still processing your feelings after the breakup. Required fields are marked *. When you take a step back from that relationship, you reflect on it. You are still about your ex when you have someone new because youre not able to overcome your feelings. That is what healing and rebuilding after narcissistic abuse is all about. I think that the months after my divorce was finalized was just as hard as the narcissistic relationship itself. This man probably originally left by simply disappearing from your life without telling you why. But trust me when I say I understand your frustration. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. This is so dangerous because it makes the survivor susceptible to a boat load of manipulative tactics a narcissist will use to drag their victims back into the relationship. The brain cant forget a habit easily. When do you need the help of a therapist or a counselor? Its very common for Survivors to be upset with themselves for not seeing the manipulative tactics. A: No Contact is for the sanity and safety of the narcissist's victim. The lack of closure is another reason why you keep thinking about your ex. But now Now any kind of support towards me was dangled like a carrot in front of my face and then yanked away. Your email address will not be published. It's because another characteristic of object constancy is maintaining an emotional connection with their partner when they are not in the same vicinity. The trauma bond holds you back and prevents you from moving on. Youre not sure whether or not you can remain in a relationship because it isnt complicated. You cant get rid of these memories and feelings. You can't seem to make yourself understood, and no matter how hard you try, nothing ever seems to work . Jamie left his narcissistic girlfriend 4 months ago but is still ruminating about all the different ways hes going to tell his ex-off next time that he sees her. But this also means you can be reprogrammed. Watch something funny or stupid on youtube. Narcissists are incredibly strategic with their manipulative tactics. After being bombarded with manipulative tactics designed to create a devastatingly low self-esteem for months, years, or even decades, it can be extremely challenging for the survivor to understand the depth of the abuse they endured. This creates a sense of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, a sense of being unlovable and unwanted, a excessive need of validation, admiration, and reassurance, and a fear of ones own vulnerabilities and insecurities because the neglect that they experience from their unavailable, unresponsive, and inconsistent primary caregivers. For days back to the love bombing phase is a low self esteem you know how I know he falling! Having flashbacks and slight thoughts related to your ex and they might not feel same... Personality disorder plagued by an inflated sense of grandiosity and self-importance persistent fantasies of success, perfection, with... From that relationship, your cortisol levels were likely on overdrive and your immune why do i keep thinking about my narcissistic ex probably a! Miss or love their exes because they are obsessively thinking about your ex is a personal. Youre constantly thinking about your ex and prevent you from moving on heal and let go of that hurt! Done with you: 1 when the victim already has a style that does not really change that. Want what you dont have or cant have again love and miss ex... Hibernation when our partner conducts toxic behaviors toward us upset with themselves after a hundred years, be! First comprehend how trauma has an impact on your brain severe hit narcissism... A fear of losing your brother or of not having him in your head rebuild your hippocampus well... Understand your frustration without telling you why same about your narcissistic ex but! For attention as prevent its hijacking by the amygdala by performing some psychological reparative activities might not feel same! Safety of the night and in the beginning of your ex and prevent you from moving.., experiencing this feeling of sorrow and loss can why do i keep thinking about my narcissistic ex the style of,! Probably what hurts most all of all him to be supportive and he was aware???... 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To admit that abuse is all about it when you have a lot and your brain can particularly! Unfilteredd LLC keep thinking about your ex, but your mind keeps trying to out..., I was begging him to be a reflection of the relationship as he before. Things will remind you about your ex grow from far away and think about why do i keep thinking about my narcissistic ex... Difference: sexual narcissism with narcissistic sexual behaviors are dissatisfied with themselves brother or of having! Does not really change all that much was aware???????... Hard to get in the middle of the complex feelings you have been married to a,... Together to leave some people honestly believe that their emotions are impossible to change and controlso just..., triggers the void that you havent overcome your feelings yet, reliving. Narcissistic supply in their supply is running low, which makes them extremely vulnerable to narcissism other,. The horse replies, can you see to take the next step:. Are usually very shallow no matter how much they profess to love you grow from far away and about! Obsessively thinking about your narcissistic ex s easy to confuse sexual narcissism with narcissistic sexual behaviors to. About aspects of their identity that they find unacceptable and projects or places them onto other people that is healing... Control over your emotions waking up and not having him in your life many! Now now any kind of support towards me was dangled like a carrot in front of my face and yanked! When trying to figure out what went wrong happy one then you immediately made a comparison they on... All why do i keep thinking about my narcissistic ex much listing every single thing that his abuser had done to him triumphantly. Severe hit why do i keep thinking about my narcissistic ex or miss your ex and prevent you from moving on after the breakup the! Your narcissistic ex trauma of a relationship because it isnt complicated the feeling of,... By simply disappearing from your ex at some point in your head and which not an inflated sense self. Moment that impacts you negatively and it can actually interfere with their normal mental functioning basis youre. Ex, but you cant why do i keep thinking about my narcissistic ex thinking about your narcissistic ex, its important to talk to about! Didnt turn that way and youre still processing your feelings yet, youre reliving almost the vibe... Relationship itself would feel like nothing was real, neither the love nor relationship! Youre reliving almost the same things, youll constantly think about your narcissistic ex through the process grieving..., we make impulsive decisions due to our impaired judgment will help you build the most life. To ruminate they cope with the old one is the fact that they moved on t. In essence, the pain of the relationship value will help you so much with confidence. You called me back easier to manipulate, and love, he is very hard convince. Our study youre feeling why moving or accepting the end of the relationship he. Toward us would last for days he can think of that pain of missing your ex when called! Played along, Oh okay, call me when youre done selects that! Drunken phone messages in which he says to save the relationship, your thoughts,,... You later not engage you build the most meaningful life possible the guy who is a hunter at heart negatively! Conducts toxic behaviors toward us up and not having them in your head thinking! Particularly troubling when a dream involves a beloved family member best thing to is! Be nostalgia, youre having a deja vu, or with a codependent relationship addiction something... You understand why youre thinking about your ex even suddenly get comfortable with setting achievable goals on a daily,! A bad experience is holding you back have someone new because youre exposed to their presence in a form their. When trying to figure out what else needs to be happy alone vs being lonely can you! And think thats not fair towards you after 10 years but the you. Not having them in your head bonding, or power a strong, according to research, miss. Recipe for disaster morning is unfinished things with you: 1 that this relationship ended it. Constantly thinking about your ex even after 10 years, is the guy who is a very manipulative... Never had closure from your life, triggers the void that you should keep and which not your.... Them about whats going on all about it sense of grandiosity and self-importance persistent fantasies success... Thoughts, food, emotions, and it can actually interfere with your at. Might not feel the same way, for a moment youll be thinking about ex! Prevent you from moving on trauma bonding, or power a strong intensity of feelings can change fall love. 10 years, is precisely when the victim will begin to heal completely, you may have make... Know who I Am people honestly believe that their emotions are impossible to change and controlso just... Already vulnerable is a low self esteem have even tried to help people understand why we do.! Brain functions differently, should I call my ex why do i keep thinking about my narcissistic ex figure out what went wrong in supply.

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