But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! FireStar I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. Lindsay She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? GatorGirl ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. We just got thru the holidays. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. ForeverYoung lets_be_honest January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. Some peoples parents are just like that. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. Are you far away from your own family? I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. Its sad, but it happens. The evening must be spent together as well? tbrucemom On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. Or stay the whole time? GatorGirl But Ill tell you what. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. lemongrass Parents get old and die. They are content with the status quo. BGM never agrees with the woman. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. She thought he would change, and he hasnt. Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. SpaceySteph Thats what next times are for! Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. Sorry, but its not men its your man and OPs man. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. I know many families like this. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. It sounds codependent to me. There is also his room, just as it was when he lived there. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. leilani If not, you need to sort this out. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. He may feel he is in a much better position than his family and feels sorry for them. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). My husband likes You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. What should I do? What about visiting your parents? So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. lets_be_honest You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. Pronouns made that a little less clear. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. barf. Ktfran June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. Oh yeah I forgot about that. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. On the weekends he spends at Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. Im in the same situation as well. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. All Im saying is be careful. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. Gah what is that. or just dinner? My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. Which is totally fine for you. Will.i.am Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. Who does that? I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. Ann Cannon. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. Please see my post below.. January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. I agree. 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Have a little time for yourself to visit them every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once he...

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